70 x 7 = a lot

I've been hurt recently, and I am trying to forgive – 70 times 7 and all that. Sometimes the hurt is hard to let go though; there’s power in it. Maybe that’s why Jesus told us to keep forgiving so many times. Early the other morning, before I absolutely had to get out of bed to get to work, I was channel-surfing through the infomercials and numerous religious programming and stopped on one show hosted by James and Betty Robison. I usually find them to be pretty on-target people. Beth Moore was speaking this particular morning about forgiveness; about healing from the wounds and hurts so we actually can forgive! And she talked about how important it is to lay it all before Jesus; to spill your guts, as it were, in order for Him to be able to begin healing us. I liked what she said that it’s OK to be a tattletale to Jesus. I need to tell Him where it hurts and He wants to heal that up. Too often I “debrief” to my husband, and he’s a great listener (and I love him for it), but he can’t heal me the way Jesus can.

So I continue to take it to the Lord and dump it at his feet. And I continue to try to forgive. 70 times 7 is a lot.

Trust

Last night we watched a DVD that Zackery got for Christmas -- Veggie Tales' "Gideon: Tuba Warrior". Obviously it's the story of Gideon, which in and of itself is a great story about God's faithfulness, especially when we are willing to be used by Him. But they also "Veggie-fied" the story of George Mueller, the fellow from Bristol, England who started an orphanage there. He never asked for any donations or help, yet his testimony was that God always supplied all their needs. Our boys were all questioning if this was a real story, and I think found it a little incredulous ... that there were some days when this orphanage had absolutely nothing to eat or drink and their response was to pray and ask God to send it, also remembering to thank Him in advance for supplying. And God heard their prayer and supplied their needs. It is an amazing testimony and it is a great reminder for me to continue to place my trust in God for all I need.

Life means so much

It's been a good Christmas for us this year. Often Christmas is a hard time of the year for Eric emotionally, but this year he has done really well. Eric's parents were at our place for a very short visit, which was good -- I don't mean that it was good that it was a very short visit, but the time together was good. On Boxing Day we got together with some new friends that we have made (the parents of our kids' friends) and had a great time together. We've taken time to play, nap, read, puzzle and enjoy each other's company and the company of friends and family.

Family and friends are an important part of who we are ... often they have shaped us into the people we are today (good or bad). I guess I'm feeling kind of melancholy because my parents aren't around anymore and I miss them. I received news yesterday that a good friend of mine from high school lost her father to a brain hemorrhage on Boxing Day. I guess that's contributed to my sad and rather contemplative mood.

Every day is a journal page
Every man holds a quill and ink
And there's plenty of room for writing in
All we do is believe and think
So will you compose a curse
Or will today bring the blessing
Fill the page with rhyming verse
Or some random sketching

Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in better ways
That somehow our souls forgot
Life means so much
Life means so much
Life means so much

Every day is a bank account
And time is our currency
So nobody's rich, nobody's poor
We get 24 hours each
So how are you gonna spend
Will you invest, or squander
Try to get ahead
Or help someone who's under

Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in better ways
That somehow our souls forgot
Life means so much
Life means so much
Life means so much

Has anybody ever lived who knew the value of a life
And don't you think giving is all
What proves the worth of yours and mine

Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in better ways
That somehow our souls forgot
Life means so much

Every day is a gift you've been given
Make the most of the time every minute you're living

Artist: Chris Rice
Song: Life Means So Much
Album: Short Term Memories
[" Short Term Memories " CD]

J is for Jesus ...

Today my two youngest boys had their school Christmas concert. My husband went to the afternoon performance and I attended the evening showing. I use the word "showing" because a school Christmas concert really isn't complete until a little girl from the kindergarten class hikes up her dress to her armpits so she can pull up her tights!

I really appreciate that the public elementary school that my boys have been attending still calls it a "Christmas" concert. Other school divisions call it a "winter" concert and seem to bend over backwards to keep their concert and the season sanitized of anything to do with the birth of Christ. At our school Christmas concert, Christmas carols are sung and it's a good mix of Santa, Scrooge and the Son.

Tonight my son Zackery's grade 3 class did the "ABC's of Xmas". My heart was touched when the young boy with the letter J around his neck proclaimed that "J is for Jesus ... it's all for his sake". And it is.

Advent

The Advent Season is upon us. My Advent Wreath has been prepared and one candle has been lit and the Advent Calendar has been hung on the wall. I love the Advent Season ... I enjoy the preparations for Christmas and the anticipation that comes with it. That's not to say I enjoy the shopping and the crowds ... I don't. I avoid the malls and the stores on the weekends if at all possible!

I picked up a pointsettia this week and at the greenhouse where I got my pointsettia they have a beautiful display of Christmas trees, wreaths and ornaments. I picked up a bare wreath of greenery and some decorations and made my own wreath for the front door. I just wish I could hang it on the inside of the door so that I could enjoy it from inside the warm house!

Far too often the Advent Season is jam packed with concerts and get togethers ... sometimes in the busyness of it all we don't sit back and appreciate what the season really means. Last Sunday as we were preparing to light the first Advent candle, I talked a little bit about Mary with the boys. I've been thinking of her often in the last few weeks; how she must have felt when the angel Gabriel first paid her a visit; her unwavering trust and faith and willingness to be the servant of the Most High. What an amazing testimony of obedience to the fulfilment of God's will. It begs me to ask the question, "Am I ever that willing to be obedient?"

I hope that when the Lord asks something of me, I would reply as Mary did: "Yes, I see it all now. I'm the Lord's maid, ready to serve." (The Message)

A new thing

In the last couple of weeks, it was decided that our little house church group disband. One couple felt it was time for them to move on in a different direction, and since we're a small group, we felt the loss in numbers quite keenly. There were other issues which I won't go into here ...

Until we know where God would have us go from here, we're having a true "home church". Our family is meeting for "church" as a family and in our own home, and it is just our family. Last week was the first Sunday for this. The week prior I had posted some "Who Am I" questions on the white board in our dining room, and the boys had to guess who the person from the Bible was. Then on Sunday we talked about the different clues and about how God used this person (it was Joshua). The boys really latched on to the "Who Am I" idea and already last Sunday, they were finding their own Bible characters and were posting their own questions on the white board.

So today we made our guesses as to who the people were and and then each person shared a little bit about that person and a particular Bible story about that person. We talked about Paul (in jail with Silas), the prophet Joel (a tougher one to figure out), David (lots of stories there!) and Zechariah (chosen of course by Zackery since his name is derived from Zechariah!). It was such a good morning -- the boys were enthusiastic about learning and reading the Bible!

So even though I am feeling some internal pain from the loss of the house church, I am excited about the passion being birthed in my own kids for God's Word. It's a new thing ... and a good thing. A very good thing.

Learning life lessons

So it finally happened. At least I think it finally happened. Or I don't recall it ever happening in our house before. What I'm talking about is one of my kids (my youngest, Zackery) taking a pair of scissors to his hair. At least he didn't butcher it too badly -- just made the bangs fairly short. Unfortunately the rest of his hair was quite long all over. So today we had to do a "fix-it" cut. He seems to be doing quite well with it, especially considering he's been wanting his hair to be longer and he fought me about getting a trim a couple of weeks ago.

But I think he understands now about what happens when you take a pair of scissors to your hair -- it's gone for good until it grows back in a few months. Sometimes it takes something like this for him to fully understand the consequence to the action. I actually think that's how he learns best. He learned a similar lesson once before when he was about 2 years old -- he flushed his soother down the toilet. There was a visible look of understanding on his face when he realized what he had done and that the soother was gone for good and wasn't ever coming back.

So how many more of these life lessons will we be in for with him??!!

Living with Depression -- Lesson #2

Lesson #2 -- Learn, learn, learn.

The Internet is a wonderful tool. I can recall back when we first got hooked up to the world wide web -- one of the things I researched was depression. It was so helpful to me to read the experiences of others and to learn about common symptoms, expressions and manifestations, if you will, of depression. One thing that I read stood out to me ... You never say to a depressed person, "Snap out of it!" Whenever I hear that phrase I think of Cher in the movie "Moonstruck"! When I learned about the illness, I started to understand the behaviour a little bit and I was able to recognize the signs when Eric was starting to "crash".

In our second year of marriage I also took a course at the seminary where Eric worked. Since Eric had his degree in Biblical counselling, I took what was known as Core I, which taught the basic principles of counselling. My purpose in taking the course wasn't to become a counsellor, but to understand better where Eric was coming from and some of the terminology that he was using! I know it has been a valuable tool for me to use to challenge Eric and to listen beneath his words.

To reiterate lesson #2 ... learn, learn, learn!

Living with Depression -- Lesson #1

Hello. My name is Lisa. My husband suffers from Major Depressive Disorder. I know there's Al-Anon, but is there a support group out there for spouses and family members who live with people suffering from depression? I have thought for a number of years that perhaps other people could benefit from my experience and what I have learned living with a depressed person. Perhaps it's time I started sharing those things here.

I'll start at the beginning. Eric and I were married on June 17, 1989 -- on Eric's 30th birthday! I don't think I realized at the time the extent of Eric's depression. But I knew without a doubt that I was to marry this man. I believe that God placed Eric in my heart even before that first blind date we had. Eric would likely say that he has battled depression since his late teens. It's been a long road for him.

The first couple of years of marriage were typical -- sorting out the workings of a marriage. Eric was working at a Christian college and seminary as the athletic director and was also teaching counselling labs, so obviously his hours varied from my standard office hours. There were days that he just couldn't get out of bed and that was my first experience with him when he was depressed. I didn't quite know what to do with him -- I had little or no understanding of his depression and how best I could love him. I often tried to talk to my mother about Eric when he was depressed, but she had no understanding of the illness and her response ("What do you mean, he can't get out of bed? You just get up and go to work!") wasn't really helpful to me. I loved my mother dearly, but at one point I made a decision that I couldn't talk to her about Eric's depression because it negatively affected my response to Eric. I have to say this about my mother ... She passed away just over four years ago and in the last years of her life, she made a real effort to understand the illness of depression. She was so committed to praying for Eric because she realized that was about the only thing she could do. One of the last things she told Eric was that she would pray for him until she had no more breath -- and that was about a week before she went home to be with Jesus.

So lesson No. 1, if there is a series of lessons here, is that it is actually helpful to talk to somebody, to share about the difficulties, and to pray together with someone. But it is important to choose someone who will really listen to you, someone who has an understanding of what depression is about, and someone who can give you wise counsel.

Friends

So our oldest son, aged 14, is out again with his buddies. They discovered that if they were at Little Caesar's at exactly 12:00 noon, they could get free day-old cold pizza. I'm not sure how many of his buddies he went with -- there's a crew of about 5 of them that get together to hang out.

Years ago I prayed long and hard that Corey would have good friends. He had a best friend from Kindergarten to Grade 2 and then his friend Joel moved to Alberta. Corey changed schools mid-way through Grade 5 and had a tough time fitting in at the new school. But since moving on to junior high, he has really come into his own and gained new confidence. He has made wise decisions as far as his choice of friends goes, and I am so thankful for that.

It is not our standard and expectation that our boys only have friends who also are "Christians". I think it's great if they do have friends who share their faith and love for Jesus, but it's not the sole criteria I want the boys to have for choosing their friends. My desire and prayer for my boys is that they will each make wise decisions as far as choosing their friends; that in their relationships with their buddies they can be the light that shines in the darkness. I'm here to teach and encourage them in their faith and to help them understand why they believe what they believe. They have a tremendous opportunity to live out their faith and be the hands and feet of Jesus to their friends.

Music to my ears

We now have two boys who are in junior high (grades 7 and 9) and both are in the band program. When Corey was in grade 7, he started playing clarinet and actually has a natural aptitude for that instrument. Of course he had his moments when he was starting out ... moments of squeaking and squawking ... but it actually sounds melodic when he practices now.

BJ has just started grade 7 and so has begun to learn to play the trumpet. Considering he's only had the instrument for just under a month, I have to admit he's actually not doing too badly. Thankfully he practices in the basement. He was practicing after school today (in the basement) and for the most part it sounded OK. But then I heard a long sustained note that didn't sound very good at all. And then I realized that it wasn't BJ and his trumpet, but rather a low-flying plane overhead heard clearly through the open window. Oops.

It's been awhile ...

It's been awhile since I last wrote some words ... of wisdom? According to the last post, it was July 3. Almost 3 months ago. Life gets busy; sometimes priorities change or we just lose track of where we were headed.

It was a good summer for us. I switched my hours at work and instead of working 3 full days a week, I worked every morning which meant I was home every afternoon with the boys. We spent a lot of time outside -- I read and the boys played in the pool. Except for the many wasps in the yard, it was great. We set out a number of wasp traps (homemade, of course) through the course of the summer and I think we figured out the right "recipe" by the end of August. A cut up apple in the bottom of a 2litre pop bottle, with a bit of pop as well, and the top of the bottle cut off and inverted, and those wasps just couldn't resist. I think we were all amazed that these flying insects could find their way into the bottle, but once inside couldn't seem to find their way out.

And now the kids are back to school, the leaves are changing colour and the days are much cooler. The pool has been emptied and packed away for next year. I need to think about warm jackets, hats and gloves for the kids and whether or not their winter boots will still fit them. I don't know that I'm ready for that yet. I still want those summer days lying around the pool!

I've been mulling a lot of things over lately. Pondering, if you will. Hopefully with purpose.

Every once in awhile I'm finding that I go into "woe is me" mode. A little bit of self-pity and just plain selfishness about my life. If I'm realistic, I think that probably happens just about once a month, if you know what I mean. Pitiful, Miserable and Selfish.

Last week sometime I turned on the TV before it was time to roll out of bed and as I was surfing through the channels, I came upon a show featuring speaker Beth Moore. She spoke about each of us having a purpose and a calling from God, but unfortunately sometimes our fears get in the way of fulfilling that purpose and calling. I recognize that I walk in fear much of the time. Many days as I go to work I pray that I won't be fearful ... fearful of speaking up; fearful of being seen as incompetent and unable to do the job to the best of my abilities; fearful of interacting with other people.

I'm recognizing that sometimes what I'm most fearful of is what other people will think of me. That's just plain goofy, but it's so easy to believe those lies and fears instead of the truths we know about ourselves.

Little house (church) on the prairie ...

I've been thinking a lot lately about our little house church group. We're part of a small group of Christ-followers that meets in each other's homes every week. My struggle lately has been with the disconnectedness that I feel and the lack of "community". We've always likened our group to being like a family, but I'm starting to feel like our gatherings are more social than spiritually uplifting. Anyway, one thing at a time ... community.

I was putting my thoughts down on paper the other day (my own manifesto?) and Eric asked me how I defined "community" and being "community oriented". That's a huge part of what I have always envisioned for our small group. What do I mean by community oriented? What does community look like to me? What do I want/expect/hope for living in community with others? I’m not sure I have adequate answers to these questions. Part of being community oriented to me means living in geographic proximity, and by that I don’t mean communal or living on the same street, but in a close neighbourhood. I have friends who all live on the same block of the same street and to me, these people exemplify community. Yes, they are “community” because they are neighbours and they live on the same block. But they are also living in community because they look after each other's kids, yards; they socialize together and have built relationships with each other – so much so that when one family was considering moving away, it was very difficult for others on the street to contemplate their leaving.

That speaks to me of community – being in close relationship with each other; friendships; supporting each other. As Christ-followers, that also means praying for each other and challenging each other in our daily walk with Jesus. I’m not always confident to ask others the tough questions (like Eric is) but neither is anyone asking me those hard questions either.

I come away from our gatherings feeling rather empty. Most times there has been litle spiritual input or encouragement. I want to be challenged and encouraged in my faith ... I also want that for my kids too. I know it means I need to bring something to the table every week too, and I certainly don't do my part there.

I'm just putting these thoughts out there. I feel fairly safe writing these things because most of the people in our small group don't read my blog anyway.

Farewell to Grade 6

Today was my son BJ's Grade 6 Farewell. They don't call it a "graduation" because that term is reserved for the event that happens at the end of Grade 12 (or I should say Senior 4). The elementary school gives the Grade 6 classes a nice little send off. BJ was voted by his classmates to represent them and give a speech at the Farewell today. For BJ, speaking in front of people is definitely not something he particularly enjoys and he is actually fairly shy and quiet (unbelievable, but true). He did really well today and we were so proud of him as he gave his speech. Way to go, BJ! On and upward to junior high. Congratulations and say Farewell to Grade 6!

Boyz 2 (Young) Men

Why is it that when I'm on the bus on the way to work or walking along somewhere I can think of great things to blog, and actually write the blog in my head, but as soon as I sit down at the computer my brain seems to turn to mush?!

Best part of my day yesterday ... It was the end of the day and I had just finished cleaning up the kitchen. My two youngest boys were already in bed and the two oldest boys came into the kitchen and just hung out with me. We stood in the kitchen (it's not a big kitchen) and just talked and joked with each other. My sons are growing up! They are becoming handsome, intelligent young men and exude their own individual personality and character.

That's happened a few times, where they've just "hung out" with me at the end of the day. I like it. Best part of my day.

Marathon "Men"

Today was Father's Day and for the 29th year, it was also the day of the Manitoba Marathon. Our history with the Marathon isn't nearly that long, but it feels like it is becoming a family tradition. Four years ago our oldest son Corey ran in the Super Run, which covers 2.6 miles. It was the first time he had run that distance and we thought he did very well. He certainly loves to run. I remember that it was hard that first year sending him off at the start line, all the while hoping he would know where to go and how to find his way to the finish line (typical "mother" fears). He found his way, and has found his way back there every year since.

The next year our second son, BJ also ran in the Super Run "with" Corey. Nobody really runs "with" Corey ... you just try and keep him in your sights! And last year our third son Nathan ran in the Super Run as well as Corey, BJ deciding to take the year off.

Today Corey, BJ and Nathan were all running. We sent them off at the start line and then walk the short distance to the finish line in the stadium at the University of Manitoba. I love watching the runners come in to the stadium; seeing them try and push themselves that last stretch, some of them racing with whatever finishing kick they have left. It's exciting and exhilarating. And when I see my sons come into the stadium and run that last stretch, I get tears in my eyes to see them running the race and doing it well.

I don't mean to wax philosophical here, but life is like that. It's a marathon race that we're running. Sometimes we hit the wall and have trouble moving forward; sometimes we just want to collapse and not go on; sometimes we hear someone cheering us on from the sidelines and we get re-energized to keep going. Run the race of life. Like it says in Hebrews 12 ... "Let us run with perseverence the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith ..."

Our youngest, Zackery, can hardly wait until next year when he'll run too. My hope is that next year I'll be out there to run with my boys too.

Happy Anniversary!

17 years ago today was the last day of my single life. On June 17, 1989, Eric and I were married. It's been a good 17 years; naturally there have been some rough seasons and many good times. I think it's safe to say that I have changed and grown (and not just in girth). I have learned a lot about being married; I have learned a lot about depression. I had no idea when we got married that Eric was suffering from major depressive disorder. Actually, at the time we got married, Eric had no real idea either. He knew he was depressed on occasion and sometimes for long periods of time, but it was a number of years before we eventually put a name to it. Major Depressive Disorder.

In our years of marriage, I've learned to recognize the signs of depression. I've learned what it means to love and to give of myself, even when it feels like it's not being reciprocated. I've learned the value of affirmation and how important it is that we affirm each other. I've learned the power of prayer and the importance of praying for my husband. I've learned that when I pray for more grace to live with him, God gives it freely and abundantly. I've learned that I'm a stronger person than I ever thought I was. I've learned that I still have more to learn!

And if Eric asked me to marry him all over again, my answer would still be "Yes!"

I love you, Eric! Happy 17th Anniversary.

Pet Peeve

I have a pet peeve, and contrary to the term "pet peeve", it's not a problem with pets. No, this pet peeve is more of a "people" peeve. My peeve is with people who, when gathered together in a group with other friends, begin to talk about certain events or people in front of the whole group, when not everybody in the group perhaps attended that same event or knows those same people. Case in point: Many years ago early on in our marriage, Eric and I regularly got together with another couple who are goods friends of ours and I love them dearly. But since Eric and this other couple knew the same people from Bible College and Seminary, they would often share news about these other people and I would have absolutely no idea who they were talking about! I felt very shut out of the conversation much of the time. I spoke to Eric about it at the time and he worked very hard not to allow that to happen and to ensure that I was included in the conversation.

This same thing has happened in our small house church group before, and again yesterday, and it bothers me. I find that kind of behaviour to be rude and exclusionary and if our goal as a small house church group is to be a "family" and care about each other, why do I go home feeling very uncared for? Largely because I have felt excluded ... like I don't really exist or matter. I'm sure this brings to the surface some of my own issues, but I'll deal with that another time.

So there. Got that off my chest. I'm sure there's more peeves coming though. Look out.

Words from a soccer mom

Right now my boys' soccer consumes so much of my time. I'm not coaching or anything as involved as that, just driving them to games and cheering from the sidelines. I did coach a few seasons when my two youngest boys were just starting out. I was fortunate to have a really great group of parents who were very supportive, encouraging and helpful.

A friend of mine is coaching his daughter's team and unfortunately has had a bad experience with the parents of one of the girls. I get so frustrated when I hear of how some parents can be so selfish and assinine! They demand that their child play more and some even sit there with stopwatches to make sure their child gets the playing time they feel he/she deserves! They make unreasonable demands on a coach who is simply volunteering his time and energy, trying to make it a positive experience for the kids and trying to help them learn a little bit more about how to play the game.

Perhaps every parent should be made to take a turn at coaching and then they would see that it's not as easy as they think. They sit there and watch their own child; a coach has 12-15 kids he/she is watching!

So get in the game, parents! Support your coaches!