- My vices:
- I drink rum – too much for my own good.
- I smoke to often. Hardly at all in the past 4 years but I still crave it.
- My lack of Church association – I am not attending church nor am I part of any fellowship group
- My devotions – are non-existent. Reading the “Word” brings little relief to the daily toil.
- My prayer life – sporadic at best and then mostly asking God to get me out of the pain of life.
- My reaching out to others is just not happening. My whole life seems to be more about not being of the world than living in it.
- I am not impressed with the “body of Christ”. Far to often Church people are irrelevant, hypocritical, and selfish.
- My depression – although many people get depressed there is still a huge stigma for a Christian who struggles with it. Depressed Christians can hardly be a witness of all the good things God is doing in their lives when the feel down all the time.
And I can still rationalize all these points by saying that God still loves me and it is His love for me and not my performance, that makes me a Christian.
So what really gets me is how far I am from the main message of Jesus. When asked what the most important thing in life was he responded with “love the Lord your God…” and “love your neighbour…”. Sadly I don’t love people. I tolerate them, I patronize them, I put up with them, I avoid them, I endure them, and sometimes I even loathe them.
There are people that I do love, my family and a few friends, but I consider the vast majority of people to be not worth the effort or pain required to love.
So how can I say I love God? And how can I call myself a Christian?