Sunday, December 10, 2006

Crisis of Faith??

So lately I have been struggling with being a Christian. I have been a Christian all my life and time-to-time my self-evaluations are downright discouraging. Here are the main points that seem to disqualify me from the club of Christianity:
  1. My vices:
    1. I drink rum – too much for my own good.
    2. I smoke to often. Hardly at all in the past 4 years but I still crave it.
  2. My lack of Church association – I am not attending church nor am I part of any fellowship group
  3. My devotions – are non-existent. Reading the “Word” brings little relief to the daily toil.
  4. My prayer life – sporadic at best and then mostly asking God to get me out of the pain of life.
  5. My reaching out to others is just not happening. My whole life seems to be more about not being of the world than living in it.
  6. I am not impressed with the “body of Christ”. Far to often Church people are irrelevant, hypocritical, and selfish.
  7. My depression – although many people get depressed there is still a huge stigma for a Christian who struggles with it. Depressed Christians can hardly be a witness of all the good things God is doing in their lives when the feel down all the time.

And I can still rationalize all these points by saying that God still loves me and it is His love for me and not my performance, that makes me a Christian.

So what really gets me is how far I am from the main message of Jesus. When asked what the most important thing in life was he responded with “love the Lord your God…” and “love your neighbour…”. Sadly I don’t love people. I tolerate them, I patronize them, I put up with them, I avoid them, I endure them, and sometimes I even loathe them.

There are people that I do love, my family and a few friends, but I consider the vast majority of people to be not worth the effort or pain required to love.

So how can I say I love God? And how can I call myself a Christian?

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